Friday, October 19, 2012

Finding Ian

Recently, Finding Nemo has become one of Ian's favorite movies, so I have seen it many, many times. As Ian grows up and starts having more and more new experiences, I realized that I am starting to feel a lot like Nemo's dad.

Though Nemo has grown old enough to go to school, when Marlin looks at him, he sees this:
© 2003 Walt Disney Pictures/Pixar Animation Studios.

Though Ian has grown to this:

When I look at him, I see this:

Six hours after giving birth to him, I was able to be wheeled down to the NICU to see my baby. Like virtually all babies in the NICU, he was on oxygen, IV fluids, and hooked up to a bunch of monitors. The hole in his spine was bandaged and wrapped in plastic to help keep his spinal fluid from leaking out until the repair surgery the next day. I sat beside him and stroked his head while he slept. He couldn't be held or fed until after his surgery and after the neurosurgeon gave the OK. I felt like we were both completely helpless.

I was happy and sad at the same time. Happy that I finally had my baby, and that he had made it this far. Sad that everything wasn't 100% fine and there were going to be a lot of hard things to deal with in the future. Like Nemo's dad, all I wanted to do was hold him and promise I'd never let anything bad happen to him.

The hard things never go away - and neither does the sadness - but luckily it is tempered by so many wonderful, special, every-day moments with Ian that bring me so much happiness and joy. Those are the moments that keep me going, even through the hard stuff.

Today, Ian went on his first field trip with his 4K class to a pumpkin patch. He got to ride on a bus with a wheelchair lift, which he was very excited about. I dropped him off at the school and watched him wheel down towards the bus with his teacher, so grown up and independent. 

Nevertheless, I still saw this (and probably always will):
Ian in the hospital after his first shunt revision surgery at 3 months old.


  1. Whatever you see it looks perfect to me.

  2. So glad he had a great excursion. Oh and I always have those moments of seeing my seven year old as a baby in nicu. I get teary ech and every time x